I traveled back to my beginning at birth.

I traveled back to my beginning at birth. I saw that I knew nothing.  My body worked without a thought from me.  When my body was uncomfortable it was noisy.  When it was comfortable it was quiet.  My brain was gathering information through its senses.

My brain was fed information by those around me.  My brain developed likes and dislikes, good and bad, nice and not nice, do’s and don’ts.  I didn’t know the whys about anything.  Without the whys, it was just information.  I continued to have experiences and recognized needs, and wants.  Thoughts would pop into my head from previous experiences, from memory.   They called me Tom.  I learned to call those around me mom, dad, grandma, grandpa.

My genetic inheritances started to show in my conduct.  I had impulses, attitude, my way of reacting to things that happened.  I never questioned anything.  I just did things spontaneously from whatever popped into my brain.  I was taught more things about what behaviors were acceptable, and what were not acceptable.  I did not know the reasons for why some things were acceptable or not.  I watched my family react to what I did.  I saw upset, anger, love, smiles, wrinkled foreheads, louder voices, consoling speech.  I learned ways to get away with things I wasn’t supposed to do.  Sometime I failed.  I did some things that I thought would be OK, but I didn’t know enough to realize they were not OK.  I knew little about cause and effect, action and reaction.  I was taught right and wrong.  I learned to justify some of my actions, as if that made them OK.  Using my logic, I determined some things that others thought was right, I thought were stupid, so I did what I felt was reasonable.  I did what I wanted to do.

I felt empathy at a young age, and yet it was much later that I considered the feelings of others more often.  I learned to get along.  And yet, I did things I knew were wrong.  Later I wondered why I did things that were wrong, why did I have impulses I did not like.  Realizing that, I would not put myself in situations where those impulses would arise.  I realized I had qualities, or characteristics, that made me feel bad.  I wondered why those qualities were there.  Where did they come from.  And what were those feelings that made me feel good or bad.   It’s like I had someone living within me that was sometimes nice, and other times not so nice, that was selfish, that only cared about itself.  It took a lot of effort to ignore that persona (whatever it was).

I started to care more about others, and yet, I knew I was just soothing their physical, mental, emotional needs, wants, desires, concerns, worries, and fears, and in a way, I thought, “That’s stupid to cater or alter my words and actions to make others feel OK, or good about themselves.”  I actually started to think, humans were nuts because of their many cares and concerns, so why cater to their nuttiness.

I was totally unlike most of the folks around me, in that, though I cared, I also didn’t care about things or outcomes because it was only logical that outcome are what they are and can’t be changed in the moment because they are, so I accepted what actually happened and worked to change them after-the-fact, but if I failed, so what, no big deal.  I just kept going, after-all, regardless of my best efforts things would be the way they would be, and I accepted that and was OK with whatever.

And then I experienced that I was not the human baby I went back and observed, which means, I am not the human adult I am currently observing.  I am not human.  I am not this body, brain, and emotions.  This human I am observing is a product of Earth, and it came with generations of human genetic inheritance, and that during gestation, and up until recently, was the result of other human’s programs, which is why it was the way it is.  And though I still have to deal with portions of its old programs, with thoughts that pop up nilly willy into its brain, and with its needs, wants, and desires, I can ignore this human avatar if I choose.

The question now (that has been experienced and answered) is, since I’m not my body, brain and emotions, what am I?