WHATEVER

 

UNTIL YOU KNOW, AND HAVE DONE, YOU DON’T KNOW THAT NOT KNOWING AND NOT DOING IS BLISS. NOW THAT I KNOW AND HAVE DONE, I CAN GO BACK IN MEMORY TO WHEN I DIDN’T KNOW AND DIDN’T DO ANYTHING AND, INDEED, IT WAS THE BEST PLACE TO BE, BUT, TOO LATE, HERE I AM KNOWING AND DOING, AND IT’S NUTS; IT’S CRAZY; IT’S LOONEY TUNES, ABSOLUTELY INSANE. HOW DID I GET INTO THIS APPARENTLY NEVER ENDING PREDICAMENT? IT’S LIKE SOMEONE PUT TOGETHER PARTS AND PIECES OF SOMETHING, AND “WALLA!” THERE I WAS, AN INTELLIGENCE, CONSCIOUS AND SELF-AWARE. OBVIOUSLY THE PARTS AND PIECES HAD NO SAY IN THE MATTER.

NOW THAT I EXIST, I SOMETIMES WONDER IF IT’S WORTH IT, I MEAN, WHAT’S THE POINT, THE GOAL, THE INTENT, THE PURPOSE. OH, AND NOT ONLY WAS I BROUGHT INTO EXISTENCE, I AM THRUST, WILLY-NILLY, INTO ENVIRONMENTS I DIDN’T BUILD OR CREATE.

YOU KNOW HOW GREAT IT IS TO FALL ASLEEP AND FORGET EVERYTHING, RIGHT? THAT’S BLISS, BUT A FEW HOURS LATER YOU’RE BACK. YOUR BRAIN STARTS THINKING AND DOING EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO SURVIVE JUST SO YOU CAN KEEP ON THINKING AND DOING, EVEN IF YOU DON’T LIKE IT.

I WONDER IF I’M GIVEN THE CHANCE, WOULD I GO FOR ANNIHILATION, COMPLETE NON-EXISTENCE, BACK TO MINDLESS PARTICLES AND PIECES, OR EVEN WHATEVER DIDN’T EXIST BEFORE THAT? I SUPPOSE I’D HAVE TO CHECK OUT IF I’VE BECOME ATTACHED TO ANYTHING, IF I CLING TO SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, GOT ATTACHED, ENTANGLED OR IDENTIFIED PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY TO NEEDS, WANTS, DESIRES, PEOPLE, PLACES, THINGS, STUFF I LIKED, LIKE CHOCOLATE.

HOW DID WHAT HUMANS CALL LIFE HAPPEN? MY GUESS IS IT’S WHAT THE UNIVERSE DOES (MINUS THE DETAILS, OF COURSE, THE SCIENTIFIC GUESSES, THE HOW TOS AND WHAT FORS. I’LL LEAVE ALL THAT TO THE KNOW-IT-ALL YOUTUBE GUESSERS.

AS FOR NOW, I’M STILL HERE. I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING AND ASK, “OK, SAM (THAT’S NOT MY NAME, BUT I TRY TO FOOL MYSELF) WHAT’S THE AGENDA TODAY? YOU’RE STILL ALIVE, SO GET THINKIN’ AND DOIN’. SO I DO THE INEVITABLE. I MAKE COFFEE. I GRAB A SMOKE, AND I BLISS OUT FOR AWHILE THINKIN’ OF NOTHIN’, JUST ENJOYING THE COFFEE AND SMOKES.