WEIRD BEING IN A BODY

 

IT’S BECOMING WEIRDER BEING IN A BODY (IN MY CASE A 1948 CHEVY) THAN BEING WITHOUT A BODY. PHYSICAL REALITY IS BECOMING MORE SURREAL EACH PASSING DAY. HOWEVER, I’M STICKIN’ AROUND FOR THE COOKIES AND ICE CREAM.

I RECALL WHEN I WAS VERY YOUNG SAYING TO MYSELF, “WHAT THE HELL AM I TRAPPED IN NOW, AND WHAT’S THAT SMELL?” AND THEN I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THOSE QUESTIONS FOR FIFTY YEARS UNTIL I REALIZED MY BODY HAD BECOME A RUNDOWN JALOPY (OF COURSE I APOLOGIZED TO MY VEHICLE BECAUSE OF HOW I HAD TREATED IT, “HEY, LETS TAKE A SMOKE AND BEER BREAK AFTER LUGGING THIS GRAND PIANO UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS”). NOW-A-DAYS IT FEELS LIKE I’M DRAGGING AN ANCHOR UP A HILL JUST TO TRY AND PEE FOR HALF AN HOUR.

BUT DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’M ALL IN TO KEEP DOING IT FOR ANOTHER TEN YEARS JUST TO SHOW MY BODY, “I WIN!” WHY? BECAUSE I ALWAYS WIN. ANYWAY, IT’S HILARIOUS HOW I HAVE TO CONTORT THIS HUMAN BODY JUST TO CLIP MY TOE NAILS AND PUT ON SOCKS (OH WAIT, I DON’T DO SOCKS ANYMORE).

THOUGH I AM LOOKING OUT OF WRINKLED EYES, I’M THE SAME AGE INSIDE AS WHEN MY BODY HIT LEGAL DRINKING AGE. BASICALLY, I AM A TWENTY-ONE YEAR OLD SEARCHING UNDER MY BED LOOKING FOR MY DENTURES. BUT JUST IN CASE I’M NEVER THIS OLD AGAIN, I’VE DECIDED TO ENJOY PEOPLE’S REACTION WHEN I SMILE AT THEM WITHOUT MY STORE BOUGHT PEARLY WHITES. IN OTHER WORDS, I AM HAVING THE TIME OF SHRINKING LIFE. I DON’T WANT TO MISS A SINGLE POT HOLE DRIVING THIS OLD JALOPY. JUST THINK OF ALL THE FOLKS WHO NEVER LIVE LONG ENOUGH TO ENJOY THIS OPPORTUNITY. SOME CALL THEM LUCKY BASTARDS. I CALL THEM WINE THAT NEVER GOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE EXPENSIVE.

MOST OF MY DAYS NOW ARE SPENT JUMPING IN AND OUT OF MY BODY IN PREPARATION FOR THE INEVITABLE TOW TO THE JUNKYARD. WHEN I JUMP OUT AND GO SOMEWHERE, I HEAR, “IT AIN’T YOUR TIME YET, YOU GOOFY BASTARD.” BUT THAT’S OK BECAUSE I WANT TO HIT THE OTHER SIDE RUNNING, NOT WONDERING WHERE THE HELL AM I?” I ALREADY EXPERIENCED THAT WHEN I GOT JETTISONED OUT OF MY MOM’S ESCAPE POD.

AT THIS POINT, IF YOU’RE SO INCLINED, YOU MIGHT ASK, “WHAT’S THE DEATH SIDE OF LIFE LIKE?” WELL YOU AIN’T DEAD (WHICH MAY NOT BE GOOD NEWS FOR THOSE THAT HAD THEIR HOPES UP).

THE DEATH SIDE OF LIFE IS WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE, WELL, THAT IS, UNLESS WHEN YOU DIE, YOU’RE NOT AWAKE. NOT BEING AWAKE MEANS, YOU DIED BEFORE YOU EXPERIENCED WHAT YOU REALLY ARE. IT MEANS YOU DIED AND SHOWED UP ON THE OTHER SIDE THINKING YOU’RE STILL A HUMAN WITH THE SAME PERSONALITY YOU HAD WHEN NOT DEAD, A PERSONA THAT OBVIOUSLY HATES POLITICIANS, LAWYERS AND USED CAR SALESMEN (BUT THEN I REPEAT MYSELF).