3. If brainwashing during your suckling years wasn’t enough to drive you nuts, along came your weird uncles, crazy aunts, grumpy grandpas and grandmas and goofy friends spouting their cockamamie opinions and beliefs about life, people, places and things. You might have survived that onslaught, but then came culture, society, schooling, advertising, and Hollywood brandishing their self-serving propaganda. The murder of your mind as a sane thinker was no accident. It was a premeditated and preordained and a done-deal-conspiracy to turn you into a mindless, obedient, and productive societal drone–and it worked. If you think it did not work, that’s not only proof that it did work, it’s proof why some humans identify as chickens.
4. Earth is a killer theme park. TORTURE WORLD. violent death fuels life. Don’t kill, don’t eat. If your diet (it’s called die-it for fun) includes animal, or plant corpses, you can kill them or pay someone else to torture them. Humans are butchers. Humans pluck the guts out of their kills (the animals are mostly dead, whereas the murder of plants is at a whole different level) and cook them. Humans pluck plants from their families and skin, dice, slice and broil or boil them ALIVE just to hear them scream. The living pummel the living until they’re tender, and then bit, chomp and chew them. And the next morning, from the rotting leftovers and human poop chutes, they gather the shit up and use it to grow new innocent life that will be totally unaware of their torturous fate. However, it’s not just humans that kill. Mother-earth kills her off-spring, kills her babies (it’s mother’s loving nature). She will repossess your butt. She will reclaim you ass-sets. But first nature-mommy will torture you in ways unimaginable, and you won’t know it is happening. Your murder will be by air, earth, fire, water, boredom, or pest attacks. Or she will use her ravenous tear-you-apart-and-spit-you-out animal kingdom, or she’ll bug you to death one bite at a time, or she will eat you alive with her micro-organisms that love to feed at the human-body buffet until you’re bare bones. Mommy is a genocidal mass-serial-killer cannibal. Life is a buffet and you are the main course and your children are dessert. Welcome to your warm and fuzzy mother-earth home. Life is a picnic, a deadly smorgasbord. You enter crying, you get screwed, and leave screaming, and finally end up manure. “Welcome to life on Earth. May you enjoy your visit, until dinner.”
5. Life created humans and hasn’t stopped laughing. Humans are entertaining. Life created them for its pleasure–the same reason humans make humans, but only eat them when starving.
6. Humans come with an expiration date, like a package of hamburger. Being a temporary human has benefits: Payback may be attempted but not consummated. Your time may run out and you die before you get unlucky. You can avoid baths and stink–folks will just think your past your expiration date and cry while looking at your finances.
7. The purpose of life is not to personally torment and torture you. The purpose of Life is for humans to torture each other–humans call it marriage.
8. Humans don’t always identify as humans. Identifying as something else has consequences. Humans who identify as flies live 25 days. Cats have 9 lives. If you identify as a turtle it comes with a free RV.
9. Life doesn’t care what humans think and believe. You can believe whatever you think (I think life is fun. If I change my thinking, I’ll join a religion).
10. You were born with three amazing abilities, bad breath, body odor and gas. They are your weapons. Learn to use them. They’re the only superpowers you will ever have.
11. You were born with an open, clear, free, unspoiled, unpolluted mind: no thoughts, no beliefs, no faiths, no religion, no theology, philosophy, theory, no biases, prejudices, opinions, no likes and dislikes, and no conclusions, illusions or delusions about life. If you have not analyzed your thoughts and beliefs, you’re a least as nuts as your parents, and nuttier if woke.
12. There are not enough words to explain life, so humans make shit up. It’s called belief. Which is why humans invented the words thingmabob and whatchamacallit.
14. If you wake up in the morning all sucky, and say, “Damn, another day in paradise,” but really mean, “Damn, another day on Sucky World,” your mind has a serious case of LIFE SUCKS. What to do? Focus on when life is in a good mood, like when it wipes out a city so fast that no one knows they’re dead until they realize the light at the end of the tunnel is not a freight train.
15. Men are happy when they hear, “Dinner is ready.” “Let’s play doctor.” Men are walking seed bags looking to start an orchard.
16. For women to be happy they need change. They prefer dollars, but will move furniture for free.
17. Men like adventure. They are attracted to women’s personalities. They never know which one their gonna get.
18. Women put on makeup to get attention. When they get a poor man’s attention, they go home and move furniture.
19. A human holding its newborn has questions. Will it be a Republican, Democrat, or serial killer? And what if it doesn’t like cheese cake.
20. The cure for thinking “Life is not worth living,” is dementia.
21. Raise up a child in the way it should go (program it) and it will submit to its parent’s nonsense until it’s brain starts working (but will feign agreement until they can drive and steal their car).
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