INTRODUCTION
These numbered thoughts about life, earth, humans, human minds, human thinking and the feared CRYBABY section have been meticulously scattered in random surprise and willy-nilly disorder to provide unexpected and discombobulating experiences–just like life. If two numbered thoughts contradict each other, just ignore one of the numbers.
WARNING: Children below the age of two still living at home should not read this book without parental consent because it will screw-up their lives knowing this stuff (on the other hand, they’ll eventually be teenagers anyway).
ABOUT LIFE
1. The purpose of life is not to personally torment you. The purpose of Life is for humans to torment each other–which is why marriage was invented (to make torment legal).
2. Earth is a killer theme park. Violent death fuels life. That’s why it’s called DEATH WORLD. To live, you eat. To eat you kill, or you pay a killer, or you starve to death. The proof of that truth is your die-t.
3. Humans gut, pluck, skin, slice and dice to eat, wether animal or plant corpses. The living beat the shit out of the dead until they’re tender, and then bite, rip, chomp, chew, swallow burp, fart and poop to live and poop another day.
4. Humans are not the only ones that kill. Mother nature kills humans, exterminates her off-spring, kills her babies. She will reclaim you ass-sets. She will repossess your butt. From birth, nature-mommy raises humans for lunch meat for her micro-organisms that love to feast at the human-body buffet until humans are bare bones. Mommy is a genocidal mass-serial-killer cannibal.
5. Life is a buffet and you are the main course and your children are dessert. Welcome to your warm and fuzzy mother-earth home. Life is a deadly picnic, a fatal smorgasbord. You’re on the menu. You enter crying, screw around and birth more food for mother nature’s unsatiable appetite, and leave screaming. In the end YOU are manure. Enjoy your visit. Have fun. Go out laughing.
6. Humans are entertaining. Humans make other humans (occasionally quite often by accident). They have fun, and nine months later they have babies and put up a sign in their baby’s bedroomS: CAUTION, TEENAGER UNDER CONSTRUCTION.
7. All humans bring sunshine into a room, some by entering, some by leaving, some by disappearing–in an obituary.
8. If brainwashing during your suckling years wasn’t enough to drive you nuts, along came your goofy relatives and weird friends spouting their cockamamie opinions and beliefs about life. You might have survived that onslaught, but then came culture, society, schooling, advertising and Hollywood brandishing their self-serving propaganda. The murder of your mind as a sane thinker was no accident. It was a premeditated conspiracy to turn you into a mindless, obedient, and productive societal drone–and it worked. If you think it did not work, that’s proof that it did work, and it’s evidence why some humans identify as emotional support chickens.
9. A human holding its newborn has questions. Will it be a Republican, Democrat, or serial killer? And what do we do if it doesn’t like cheese cake?
10. Raise up a child in the way it should go (program it) and outwardly it will submit to its parent’s rules while inwardly plotting its revenge or escape or both, unless it doesn’t want to jeopardize its trust fund or inheritance–a storage unit where their parents hid the bodies.
11.
Life is a bunch of projects,
Things to do until dead,
An endless potpourri of hustle and hurry,
A do this, no, do that instead.
I absolutely fathom the secrets of this life.
It’s an endless array of prodigious forays,
A nettling vexation of strife.
And when a long day is over,
After all of my pain,
I go to bed tired, having lost all my fire,
Then wake up and do it again.
I want breakfast, lunch and dinner,
And something between to do,
And then when I die, I’ll give a high-five,
And rot in a plot near you.
12. Humans come with an expiration date, like a package of hamburger. Being a temporary human with an expiration date has benefits. (1) Payback may be attempted but not consummated. (2) Your time may run out and you die before you get unlucky. (3) You can avoid baths and be justifiably stinky–folks will just think you’re past your throw it away date and call the morgue and say, “For hell sakes, do your job!”
13. You were born with three amazing abilities, bad breath, body odor and gas. They are your weapons. Learn to use them. They’re the only superpowers you will ever have.
14. If you wake up in the morning all sucky, and say, “Damn, another day in paradise,” but really mean, “Damn, another day on Sucky World,” your mind has a serious case of LIFE SUCKS. What to do? Focus on when life is in a good mood, like when it wipes out a city so fast that the residents don’t knows they’re dead until they realize the light at the end of the tunnel is not a freight train.
15. Humans don’t always identify as humans. Identifying as something other than human has consequences. Humans who identify as flies live 25 days. Cats have 9 lives. If you identify as a turtle it comes with a free RV. If you identify as a...............
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